Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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