If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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