I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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