This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
