I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
