So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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