Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
