Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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