I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
