I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
