bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
