Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
