Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
