Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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