He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
