i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
