Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
