I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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