she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
