either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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