God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
