so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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