If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I will be naked everywhere
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
