jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
