Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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