my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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