Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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