For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ladies don't puke and tell
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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