Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
