Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
