I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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