Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
