My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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