i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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