i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
