i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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