He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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