I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i came on her dog
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
