I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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