There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
