There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
