btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
