Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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