So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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