For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
