your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
