I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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