I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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