I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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