if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
