Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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